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Hello guys, today I want to talk about a very serious topic that's close to my heart. I would like to start by letting you know that I have no professional status or education in mental health whatsoever, so although the things I'm going to be talking to you about will not come from scientific research or an educational stance, they do come from personal experience and a lot of trial and error. I have a lot of friends and family who struggle with depression and even suicidal thoughts, and although I have never been diagnosed, I believe that I have gone through bouts of depression myself too.
SUPPORTERS NEED SUPPORT TOO!
It's great that mental health is now becoming less of a taboo subject, that more people than ever before are opening up about their mental health, that we are collectively starting to form a more understanding view of depression and anxiety but there is still a lot more that we can still do. Unfortunately there is no quick fix, this is something that we as a society need to work on daily because the stats of people suffering from mental health is incredibly high. Which is why if you don't suffer from depression yourself, you more than likely know someone who does. Luckily, there is a lot of support for sufferers today but there isn't a lot for those of us who support our loved ones. There are mental health charities that provide help but I don't feel that it's talked about enough.
Even if you don't suffer from mental health, looking after yourself is hard work sometimes. So when you're looking after someone else as well, or even multiple people, it can feel like you're pouring water into everyone else's cups with none left over for yourself. Sometimes it can feel as though your own insecurities, worries and sadness are invalid because someone else always has it worse. Please don't get me wrong here, this is not a victim cry. This is not about competing or about tit for tat. This is about the fact that every human being deserves love, attention, compassion, support and is entitled to down days. If we only have the energy and compassion to give to those who are worse off, I am afraid of what will happen to those who are left to help themselves. Then where will we be?
So with that in mind, let's go through some things that will help you to support someone suffering from depression.
DO YOUR RESEARCH
The more you know about depression, the easier it will be for you to help. First of all, there are different types. You can educate yourself on these here, via Beyond Blue, an Australian Mental Health Charity. There are also different 'levels' of it. Depending on how severe the person suffers from depression, medication and therapy might be an option they wish to look at.
MEDICATION
Medication isn't a quick fix. It is not going to magically make you happy but they can make you feel better. There are many types of antidepressants, it can take a while to find the right one for you (my friend said it took almost two months for hers to work) and they can come with many side effects such as nausea, sweating, weight gain, headaches, dizziness and more.
If your depression is considered mild, you might want to really weigh up the pros and cons of taking medication. From stories of friends and family, doctors are very prone to handing out antidepressants hastily. It is known to be very difficult to come off of antidepressants, people often find themselves feeling worse than they did before taking them which means you could spend a lot longer on medication that you originally planned to. I personally would recommend regular therapy before taking medication if you're suffering mildly from depression.
THERAPY
Finding the right therapist can be as challenging as finding the right medication BUT in both cases, the wait is often worth the outcome. Unfortunately, in every job, there are people who are in it for the money, and people who care about the work they do and it's no different for therapists. There will also might be plenty of good therapists that you just don't click with. Be as picky with your therapist as you would with picking your other half (don't settle!)
With therapy, there are two important things to remember. Therapists are not there to solve your problems, they will not fix your life. They will however be a non-judgemental ear, someone you can hopefully unload onto, someone you can talk to about things you can't talk to others about. They are trained to understand how you feel, you don't need to be embarrassed or ashamed about anything you share with them.
The second thing to remember is you need to go to therapy regularly. Just because you watered your plant last week and it's looking healthy doesn't mean you can stop watering it! It's also great to track your progress. Therapists should be able to recognise your progress and help you to recognise it too. Sometimes you're so caught up in how you're feeling today, you forget just how far you have come.
KNOWING THE RIGHT THING TO SAY
This can be one of the hardest things but one of the most important things to learn. Even to this day, I still get it wrong, I say the wrong thing and it's not because I'm being dismissive of someones feelings (which is an obvious no-go) but because I maybe say too much. I think that I try too hard to try and make someone feel better but it's a medical condition and it can't be solved with a few positive words and an inspiring quote you heard once.
What will help is to let the other person know that you are here for them. Those words are pretty powerful. Someone with depression will find comfort in the fact that they're not alone in this and that they have someone to talk to if they need it. There are a lot of posts online about what not to say but I find that they're a little extreme and obvious. They might go a bit like this...
Don't say 'You're being silly'
Don't say 'You just want attention'
Don't say 'Cheer up, it'll get better'
These are pretty ridiculous things to say and anyone that would actually say this to someone suffering clearly knows nothing about depression! These are quite insensitive things to say, even to someone not battling a mental illness. So, I'm going to go through some less obvious things not to say. Things that you probably think will help but don't! (I've done it too so don't beat yourself up if you recall yourself saying them.)
AVOID SAYING
'You have so much to be grateful for.'
I've made this mistake so many times! Even people with lots of money, a good job and an amazing family can still get depression. It's not about what they have or what they don't have. Depression isn't dependant on what a person has to be grateful for. This may only frustrate the other person because it reiterates the fact you don't understand how they're feeling.
'I understand how you feel, I've been there myself.'
Whether you have or haven't suffered from depression, it's best to just avoid saying anything similar to the above. You'd think that this might make the other person feel less alone but most cases, it's not what they want to hear! Remember that everyone's situation is completely different so to assume that you know how they feel is quite unlikely. There are other things you can say instead to make someone feel less alone. We'll go through them shortly!
'It could be much worse!'
To a mind that doesn't suffer from mental illness, it's easy for us to snap straight to thoughts like 'there are people dying..' 'there are people with no arms and legs' when someone unloads their concerns onto us, especially if you're having a bad day yourself. But the thing is, it doesn't matter what the reason is (if there is one) as to why someone is feeling depressed. Depression isn't rational, it isn't logical and to that person, it feels like the end of the world. We have to remind ourselves that this person isn't themselves, they are plagued with dark black clouds everywhere they look and it's our job to just be there for them.
'Why are you sad?'
First of all, it's a good idea to stay away from the word 'sad'. There is a big jump between sad and depressed and to the other person, this could feel patronising. It also suggests that there has to be a reason for why they feel like this. Remember, it's not logical! There doesn't always have to be a reason.
TRY SAYING
'Your feelings are valid'
'Do you want to talk about it?'
'I am always here for you'
'You're important to me'
'I care about you'
'Would you like to do something this week?'
'Is there anything I can do to help?'
These are very short but effective ways to respond to a loved one reaching out to you. It's important that you provide actions to go with these words though. There's no point in asking them if they would like to make plans if you can't make time for them. It is also important to take time out to really listen to them in their time of need. It's a bit contradictory to say you care and then reply an hour later (providing you're aware of the message.)
Depression is lonely. Telling the other person that you care, that they're important to you counteracts their thoughts of being alone or of their existence being pointless. Asking them if they would like to make plans can give them something to look forward to, maybe even a reason to wake up in the morning. Telling them that their feelings are valid will help them to feel understood.
DON'T FORGET TO LOOK AFTER YOURSELF
You've got a jug of water and everyone around you is thirsty. You pour everyone a glass and as you look around, everyone is smiling, drinking their water. You look down and the jug is empty. Looks like you're going thirsty, but hey, everyone else is happy so you can manage- oh wait.. everyone has finished their glass of water and the smiles have disappeared. They're looking at you to fill their glass. Now you're all thirsty and there's no more water.
I hope you enjoyed my extravagant analogy.. What I'm trying to say is that, if you're giving out all that you have to everyone else, you'll end up burning out and you can't be help to anyone once you've gotten to that stage. As the supporter, we need to make sure we're looking after ourselves so that we can give our best to those who need it. You probably know what it is that you need to recharge your energy, whether it's a long bath, a quiet walk or to dance the night away- just do things for you and regularly! It's not selfish, it's necessary.
WHO'S LOOKING AFTER YOU?
So, you're responsible for recharging your batteries but what about when you're feeling down yourself? You need support too. Never think that because you're not suffering from a mental illness or a mild form of it, that your feelings don't matter. YOU matter and YOU deserve to have your concerns listened to too. Depending on what relationship you have with your loved one suffering from depression, you could have a balanced relationship in which you can talk to each other. I have this kind of relationship with some of my friends that have depression. But sometimes this might not be the case and so you need someone that you can unload onto. If you don't have somebody, you could join a forum online or you could write in a journal. They don't have quite the same result but it's better than holding it all in.
ACCEPT THAT YOU CANNOT FIX THEM
You can make a difference in someone's life, maybe even a big one but you can't cure people and a person can only be helped if they want to be. Sometimes they will push you away and that's okay. We have to be strong enough not to take it personally because it's the mental illness speaking, not the person. In that situation, the best we can do is to let the other person know that we'll be here for them, if and when they want to talk and that they're not alone.
You might spend nights and days asking yourself if you've done enough or trying not to think about the idea that you might be too late one day. We are not responsible for others, we can only do our best and once we've done that, we need to learn to let go because worrying and feeling guilty is going to weigh us down unnecessarily. Just check in with them when you can, make plans with them when you can and be there for them when they reach out. And remember, that the world would be a far less amazing place without people who care about others as much as you do.
I hope that this post was helpful to you and please reach out to me on littlecity0@gmail.com or post in the comments if you have any questions, feedback or if you just want someone to talk to.
LUNA EDEN x
