Loving yourself when the world tells you not to | Let's Talk

 

DISCLAIMER: IMAGE NOT OWNED BY ME

A couple of years ago there came a point in my life that felt like an epiphany of sorts. When I started to realise the power that the media holds over us. I realised that, as Matt Haig writes in his book 'Reasons to Stay Alive'- "The world is increasingly designed to depress us." and that people and companies make money by playing on our insecurities. They have made us believe that things and looking a certain way will make us happy.

If you too have had this realisation, you KNOW that material possessions are a trap, that buying into your appearance is a trap... we know that to REALLY love ourselves, we need to love ourselves for our bare, naked selves. Not the us that has eyelash, hair and nail extensions. Not the us who has toned abs and a huge arse. Not the us who has a nice car and a great job. None of that fucking matters if you don’t love yourself regardless of all that crap, if you can't learn to be happy without all of it. We know that the media and society has constructed and shaped this ‘perfect’ image. The media sends us this message: ‘Look like this and you will be happy, you will be successful and you will be desired.’ And we as a society have swallowed it up and accepted it as truth. It is so heavily ingrained in us that even when WE KNOW it won’t make us happy. When WE KNOW that we are conforming to society’s standards. When WE KNOW that it’s a short term, surface value solution to a bigger, underlying problem- we still get trapped! We still find ourselves thinking ‘if only I had a smaller nose...’ ‘if only I had longer legs...’ ‘I wish I was naturally more tanned...’ And when you read it out, god doesn’t it sound a bit pathetic? There are people dying out there and we’re sat here thinking about whether or not we should start investing in eyelash extensions. I think it's important to mention here, that I still struggle with this 'ego-trip' and I am learning to be kinder to myself when I fall back into the trap. It's okay to be in the trap because we live in a world that is designed to do just that. It's the acknowledgement and the willingness to stand up against it, that's important here. You might be reading this thinking ‘jheez Jade, chill the hell out. It’s not that deep..’ but you know what? It is deep. We’re all laying awake at night wondering what we’re doing with our lives. We wake up and we want to crawl back to bed because being unconscious for a little while longer is much more appealing than being in our realities. We come home from social gatherings fucking exhausted because we pulled a Jim Carrey and basically exaggerated a version of ourselves to be liked. To be fun, funny, outgoing and interesting. We keep asking ourselves the same questions. Why don’t I feel fulfilled? Why do I feel like there’s something missing? Why do I feel lost? 

Social media influencers preach self love and then promote teeth whitener. We’re spreading a message that looks like happiness but it doesn’t FEEL like happiness. It just leaves us feeling empty. You may now be thinking ‘Jade, people can love themselves and want to whiten their teeth, get eyelash extensions or fake tan.’ And yes, you’re right but you're also probably missing the point. When we live in a world that’s influenced so much by other people and the way they live their lives.. when young girls are growing up looking up at people like Tammy Hembrow, Kylie Jenner and James Charles, it sends out the wrong message to people who haven’t quite figured it out yet. It teaches people that if you look a certain way, you can live a life like ‘X’ and that will make you happy. Sadly, we DO live in a world that judges us by surface value. We DO live in a world where looking attractive will increase your chances of getting the job, at getting the guy/girl, at making friends. We are taught that the way we look is synonymous with success and happiness. That’s why it’s SO hard to go against the grain, to put a middle finger up at the airbrushing and the leg shaving and all the other things that we feel are required of us or will increase our chances of attracting the things we desire.
WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?
So, maybe the answer for some of us isn’t shaving our head, growing our armpit hair and living in the forest with the animals. Just like any big change you wish to incorporate into your life, you can take it step by step. You don't have to dive in full force! But we can start somewhere. Here’s where; Consider the way you represent yourself online. Is it heavily focused around what you have and what you look like? Consider using filters less, using airbrushing less. Just be your true human self We can stop apologising when we forget to shave our legs- it's nobodies business! We can learn to buy INTENTIONALLY- this means really considering purchases before committing. Consider why you wear what you wear. Do you sacrifice comfort to look good? Why? Take a look at the cosmetic and non-cosmetic procedures you invest your time and money into. Do you really need all of it? We can decrease our social media intake We can wear makeup less And we can embrace our natural hair, our natural skin colour and our blemishes

As always, I would love to know what you think! Leave a comment below :)

Have an amazing week guys,

Until next time...

LUNA EDEN x

Looking For Love Out of Loneliness | Let's Talk

DISCLAIMER: IMAGE NOT OWNED BY ME

Hey guys! If you're not new here, you'll know that usually my posts have some kind of 'tips' 'steps' or a 'how to' theme to them. This is because I want you guys to be able to get something out of what I write, to give you guys 'actionable' steps to making improvements in your lives and in yourselves. I'm going to do some 'Let's Talk' labelled posts which are less about giving you step by steps or advice, and more about things that I think are important to talk about. These will most likely be topics based around the world that we live in today, to maybe open your eyes up to things you might not have thought about before or maybe you've already been pondering and you want read/hear more- these kinds of posts could be the start of important discussions (with ourselves or with others!) Today's topic is going to be about looking for love, for the wrong reasons. There are many wrong reasons why people actively search for love these days but I think that one of the most common is out of loneliness. A lot of people don't even realise that this is what they're doing. They just consciously or subconsciously recognise this sadness within them, maybe they feel that something is missing in their life and they think that finding a 'significant other' is the answer, the cure to this sadness. The missing puzzle piece, as cliche as that sounds.

My theory is, if you have 10 people who are all looking for a relationship or love, you pair them all off and leave them to it- 3 out of 5 of those couples are likely to find things in common or things that they like about each other and if you leave them long enough, they might even develop feelings for one another. A good example of this is Love Island- a tv program where a dozen or so typically ‘good looking’ men and women stay in a holiday home together. The aim of the show is to invite people looking for love, to take part in a (quite savage) game whereby they are forced to couple up and throughout the show, they are able to jump from one partner to the next at given time points, if they wish to. From the couple of shows they have produced there have been countless relationships that have lasted a couple of years after leaving the holiday home, some have had children and some have gotten engaged or married! 

Okay, so a large factor in this might be that they are mostly extremely attractive and you might be thinking ‘how hard can it be for someone who looks like a Greek god to find love.’ And although ‘typically good looking’ are perceived to have a better chance of finding someone, I think you’ll find that if you put a group of ‘typically not so good looking’ people in a room, the same would happen! In the same way that, when you’re really hungry, you will eat whatever’s been left in the fridge because it’s either that or starve. In the same way that when a psychic tells you that seeing a blue butterfly is a 'sign', that you’ll start seeing blue butterflies- if you are looking for love and you are put in a room with people also looking for love, it's likely you'll find love! (I am a believer in signs but I also believe that we are more perceptive to things when they have been brought to our attention or in this case, put right in front of you.)

If you put yourself in a position where you’re actively seeking love, you’ll probably find it. That’s why if you go on ten dates, you’ll more than likely find at least one person that you’ll click with and want to see again. There is nothing wrong with actively looking for love, just so long as you’re not doing it because you don’t want to be alone, because you want someone to show you that you’re worth something or because you want someone to make you happy. When someone actively looks for love purely to ADD to their life, for someone to SHARE their life with, they will be more picky about who they spend their time with. They may have to go on 50 dates in order to find someone who ticks all the boxes. Because when you value yourself and your life, you only want to attract people that are going to ADD to that, NOT fill a hole.

When someone actively looks for love out of loneliness, they will try to fit a rectangle peg into a square hole. Hell, they might even try to fit a star-shaped peg into a square hole. So they find themselves going on 5 dates and finding ‘the one’, ‘the love of their life’, ‘their world’ when actually they just found someone who likes game of thrones too and looks pretty good naked. Sometimes, these relationships even end up working out. Maybe there was enough common ground to make the relationship last. Maybe they really did find someone ‘perfect’ for them- it’s possible! Or maybe, love is blind and they’ve built too many memories and now it’s three years down the line and they don’t want to chuck that all away. After all, time is precious so I totally understand this logic but if we stop putting ourselves in this position, we won't be persuaded to stay with someone who's not completely suited to us because of 'history'.

This might come across as really negative and pessimistic but I promise you that I, like Terry from Brooklyn Nine Nine, LOVE love! I just think that far too many people hold being in a relationship on such a high pedestal and rely on another person for things that we should be working on ourselves first. We should be spending more time looking at why we feel the need to fill this hole, why there is something missing. If you're willing to take that time to ask yourself these questions, to figure out how YOU can help YOURSELF, and actually act on it- you will no longer be looking for love for the wrong reasons. There is no rush to be in love. There is no rush to get married.

Once you realise this, once you understand that after you've really healed yourself from any insecurities, past rejections, childhood trauma, self limiting beliefs and you've mastered how to be happy in your life without someone else- you'll realise why you kept meeting the 'wrong guy' or the 'wrong girl', you'll realise that relationships are a cherry on the top, NOT the holy grail. They are meant to enhance an already great life, not be the reason why you have a great life.

A lot of people really dislike the phrase 'love yourself first' because people think this means that you can't have real love unless you've mastered the art of self-love. People will often jump on the defence and usually with the shield that is mental illness. I guess some people believe that they will never love themselves and so they see this quote as a toxic message that they will in turn, never find love. I have anxiety myself and instead of telling myself that I will never love myself, I use it as MORE of a reason to love myself. To love myself HARDER. Of course, there are always exceptions to the rule. People can still find love when they don't fully love themselves. People can still find love out of loneliness but there is a power in choosing to be single until you've figured out how to heal yourself first.

This message isn't coming from an end point. I haven't mastered my own 'demons' but I'm working on them and I will continue to work on them until I get to a place where I can be happy in myself. I think that's really important to say here because it's really okay to be a working progress. Our whole lives will be a working progress because we'll never know it all, we'll never get the answers to all of our questions. The goal in sight might look so far away right now but try not to focus on that, just focus on now- what steps you can take now. Every small step is a step closer to the life you want and that's never time wasted.

I'm going to leave you with some questions to think about, to get the ball rolling!

Am I putting too much focus on my love life?

Why do I pick the girls/guys I go for?Why do I attract 'X' types of girls/guys?

Am I searching for validation in other people? Why?

Am I carrying past hurt into current relationships?

Am I happy being single?

What would a relationship fulfil for me that I can't fulfil myself?

What are my deepest insecurities?

Do I push people away out of fear? What fears?

Do I get into relationships quickly?

As always guys, I hope this post was helpful or at the very least, interesting to you! I hope you all have the most wonderful week, 

LUNA EDEN X

AUDIBLE | The Best Money I Have Ever Spent

DISCLAIMER: IMAGE NOT OWNED BY ME

Hey guys! Today I want to talk to you about Audible! An audio book service provided by Amazon. This isn't sponsored in any way, I just love audible! I've been a member for almost three years now, paying £7.99 a month that entitles me to one audio book to read at my own pace and is available even after I stop my membership. I can easily say it's the best money I've ever spent and today I'm gonna tell you why. I would also like to make a disclaimer that 90% of the books I read are self-help so a large portion of this article is based on my experience of using Audible for that particular genre. This DOES NOT mean that if you're not interested in self-help, that this information will not be of use to you!

I CAN EASILY JUGGLE MORE THAN ONE GENRE

So, as you have probably gathered by now, I am really into personal development which basically means that I invest a lot of time into learning how I can become the best version of myself. One of the best resources for learning is of course books! I like to read self-help books for personal growth and I like to read Crime/ Thrillers just for fun but I struggle to make time for both genres when I work full time, spend my free time writing for my blog and creating art content. I try not to use the phrase 'I don't have the time to...' because I believe that you can make time for anything that's a priority! 

However, juggling two books at the same time isn't ideal for me and when I swap between the two genres (read a self-help book and then read a crime thriller) I find myself a bit disorientated because they're two completely different worlds! I end up ditching the thriller because I have this unnerving need for progress in my life and find it hard to let myself do things for fun without feelings of guilt so I tell myself I don't need to read the thriller. Audible enables me to juggle them both! I now listen to self-help books through audible and I physically read thrillers. 

When I'm reading thrillers, I like to go to the book store and pick the one that jumps out at me. I like the 'old-fashioned' feeling of having the book physically in my hands and getting so caught up in the story that I turn page after page, hooked. When it comes to self-help books, I don't have the same desire to have it physically in my hands because I've found that listening to them is better for me.

YOU CAN MAKE MUNDANE TASKS PRODUCTIVE


Okay, this probably has to be one of the most exciting things about using Audible for me. Those mundane tasks that swallow parts of your day such as; a bus journey, a walk to work/school, getting ready, preparing food, showering, driving home from work- these can ALL be turned into a productive use of time with audible. Especially if you're listening to self-help or something else educational. This could be really exciting for you too if you love time efficiency or if you just thrive off of productivity like me! (Yes, I know I sound like Monica Gellar or Amy Santiago right now but.. that's a vibe here, okay?) 

IT ENABLES ME TO ABSORB INFORMATION MORE EFFECTIVELY

If you enjoy self-help books or you're interested in getting started, I highly recommend trying them out on Audible! Again, this is in no way sponsored, (I wish it was) I just want to spread the word because it has made such a big impact on my life. This might seem pretty dramatic to some of you but let's just pause for a moment and think about the fact that some of the most successful people read for the purpose of self development. Click here to view a great article by HuffPost about successful people and their reading habits! 

You may be thinking 'Yeah, that's cool but why do I need audible for that?' and that would be a fair question. If you physically read non-fiction books and find yourself easily and quickly retaining the information that you have read, you most likely fit into 65% of the population who are visual learners. This means you learn best from what you see (and read.) A smaller 30% are auditory learners which means they learn best from what they hear. And a very small 5% are kinesthetic learners which means that they learn best from engaging in some sort of activity or experiment. These statistics are based on the learning methods that are most effective, that's not to say that if you are primary a visual learner, that you won't learn anything through audio! It is very likely that you learn from more than just one method. Click here for more information on learning styles! (This article by Inc. is where I got these statistics from)

But, let's say that you are in the 30% who learn best from audio and you've been spending years reading books instead of listening to them! I have found that through listening to self-help books, that valuable chunks of information have stayed ingrained in my mind for months, even years after finishing an audio book! There's something really great about hearing the book being read by the author too (9/10 self-help books are read by the author.) Hearing their voice helps me to get a better understanding of the person that has put all this impactful information together and gives me a little bit more of the full 'story'. 

I CAN TRAVEL LIGHT!

You may or may not know that I'm currently in Australia (originally from the UK) and when I packed my bags I had to be incredibly selective with what I bought with me as I'm technically a 'backpacker.' Books are pretty bulky and heavy! And so I only brought two physical books with me (both thrillers) because I have all of my audio books tucked away inside a nifty little app on my phone. 

I CAN TRACK MY PROGRESS

Within the app, there is a progress tracker and who doesn't like to track their progress?! You can see how long you have been listening that day, that week, that month AND in total, where you are ranked from 'Newbie' all the way up to 'Master' which, may I add is a challenge and a half because I have been listening to books for three years and I am only half way up the ladder. My tracker says I have listened to a total of seven days, seventeen hours and 15 minutes. Seven days sounds like quite a lot but when you think that was over three years... Doesn't sound so hefty. 

There is also a badge earning system where you can earn bronze, silver or gold on particular challenges. These challenges may be 'You listened to 'X' amount of hours over lunch time' 'You have listened to 'X' amount of books twice' 'You have started 'X' amount of books but not yet finished them.' Oh my god, I am such an Amy Santiago because this excites me A LOT. 

IF YOU DON'T LIKE A BOOK, YOU CAN SWAP IT

I really like this feature because I've bought quite a few audio books that just weren't my cup of tea and you can't just return a book to Waterstones if you don't like it! I've also found that after swapping books I didn't like for another, (I'm not sure if this is a glitch or not) I was still able to listen to the book I didn't like. I guess there's nothing exciting about being able to carry on listening to the book you didn't like... but hey, the choice is nice. 

I hope you enjoyed this post on why Audible is the best money I have ever spent!

P.s. If you're saying to yourself right now 'I don't have £7.99 to spend on audible.' I will just ask you two questions.. Are you currently spending £5-£10 a month to eliminate ads and skip songs on Spotify? Are you paying £10-£15 on a gym membership that you're not getting full use out of? Hmmmm *sips tea*

Thanks for reading guys! Until next week,

LUNA EDEN X