Hey guys! Life doesn't always go the way you anticipate and the way you react and handle life's curve-balls says a lot about you! This blog is all about growing and how to become the best version of ourselves so today I want to talk about how to
handle being newly single in a way that's mature and healthy. Being broken up with is one of the hardest rejections you will ever receive so if you can find it in yourself to heal whilst being graceful about it? Well, I'd say theres not much else you can't do! So without further waffling, here are my top tips!
ALLOW YOURSELF A RECOVERY PERIOD
Right, let's start off by saying that being broken up with is fucking HARD SHIT. It's all good and well me giving you advice on how to deal with it but please just give yourself some time to cry as much as you want, eat whatever you want, sleep for as long as you want. I'd say give yourself a week, two tops to just let yourself process what's happened as most times, it comes out of the blue and it can feel like your whole world has been turned upside down. Your emotions are likely to be all over the place so whatever you feel, don't suppress it. If you do, it'll only come back to bite you on the bum later on and it really isn't worth the short term gain of pretending everything is okay. It's a really good idea to NOT do anything out of the ordinary in your recovery period. Read on to find out why...
DON'T GO ON A FUCKING MAD ONE
This part of your life can be really strange and because we haven't had enough time to process the information, our minds like to look for ways to handle this emotion but these things are often distractions from the pain, rather than solutions. These may look like; going on wild nights out, sleeping with lots of people, physically transforming yourself, heavy use of drugs and/or alcohol and serial dating. Theres nothing wrong with wanting a distraction, as long as you're aware that's what it is but these distractions can develop into unhealthy habits that prevent you from really dealing with the problem and therefore prolonging the process of getting over it.
GET THE ANSWERS TO YOUR QUESTIONS
It may hurt to hear but I think it's always good to get an idea of what's going on in the other person’s head before you part ways. They should respect you enough to give you a reasoning behind not wanting to be with you anymore. Closure may not happen as soon as you want it to but if you don't know where it's coming from, it could end up haunting you for years to come and by that point it's awkward to ask your ex why they left you. Opening the opportunity to talk could give you the chance to say how you're feeling too which is important because the things you didn't say could also end up haunting you.
BE CAREFUL OF SAYING THINGS YOU CAN'T TAKE BACK
While it's good to get answers and possible closure sooner rather than later, it's very easy for words to come from a place of anger at a time like this and sometimes we want to hurt the other person because they've hurt us but as much as that may seem like a natural reaction, it isn't a mature or kind one. An eye for an eye leaves the world blind, remember? Sometimes the best thing do is to ask any immediate questions you might need for closure and hold back on saying anything that could come from a bad place.
DON'T TRASH TALK THEM
So, the previous point was about what not to say to them. This point is about what not to say about them. Trash talking your ex is a bad move because firstly, it's not mature. Secondly, I am a big believer in keeping respect for each other after parting ways (unless they have done something very disrespectful) because this person was likely to be a big part of your life, maybe even your best friend. It would be a real shame to taint all of that because things didn't work out. Thirdly, resentment and hate uses up FAR more energy than we know. You are wasting your energy if you are trash talking your ex. Grow up!
CHECK THAT WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING IS FOR YOU AND NOT FOR THEM
As a girl, it's a really common to want to totally re-create ourselves! We wanna go and get our hair coloured, we wanna hit the gym, we wanna go out out in a new outfit and it's an energy of 'Look what you gave up' right? And I feeeeel you. You play 'No Scrubs' by TLC as you take fifty selfies to show him how much better off you are without him. But let me tell you that firstly, it's really transparent to him and to everyone else. I can always tell when someone's gone through a bad breakup on social media because they suddenly pop up after years of hardly posting, to uploading pictures of themselves from every angle and videos of them dancing in a club.
I'm not saying that you shouldn't do these things- each to their own but just ask yourself who you're really doing it all for because now that you're single, you should be doing you. If you wanna go to the gym and get buff DO IT. If you want to go brunette DO IT. If you want a new tattoo DO IT. Just please don't go and dye your hair blonde because you know he likes blondes. Don't go to the gym and do 50,000 squats because you know he's a butt guy. And don't go and get a tattoo because he was always liking photos of girls with tattoos.
It's actually pretty empowering to do the opposite of what they 'liked' about you! I was told by an ex that he wouldn't find me attractive with short hair. After breaking up I got my hair cut from below my ribs to above my shoulders and I've never looked back! I got told by an ex that I don't suit leopard print but I love leopard print and if I wanna wear it, I bloody well will! But just remember to check in with yourself- Am I doing this for me?
ARE YOU A SAVAGE OR JUST A SAD BITCH?
This has to be my favourite point of all because of the play on words from Ariana Grande's song '7 Rings.' I use the word 'savage' sarcastically because it makes me cringe a little bit but what I mean by this is, it's a very common reaction for girls to switch up their entire personality after a bad break up. I've done it myself to a certain degree- I was determined to be a STONE COLD BITCH after my first bad break up. It made me feel powerful, in control of my feelings and like I didn't need anyone but it took me a long time to realise that it's another cover-up. It's just a mask that we put on to feel protected from people that might hurt us again but getting hurt is a part of life- real talk.
It's okay to not want to even look at another guy/girl after going through a break up but don't shut your heart down. You will love again and it will be amazing. Yeah you might get hurt again too but you'd be surprised at just how strong you are and how much you can battle through. When you find the right person, the person you were always supposed to find your way to, you will realise why all of the previous hurt had to happen! I like to see every thing that doesn't work out as one more step towards what's meant for me, one more lesson to learn and one step closer to being the strongest version of myself.
DON'T MOVE ON UNTIL YOU'VE HAD TIME TO HEAL
Whether it's dating, sex, or a relationship- I strongly advise you not to jump into anything until you're really truly ready. It's a common misconception that getting involved with someone else will help you get over an ex. You're actually just distracting yourself from the pain in a seriously unhealthy way, especially if it's with the intention of meeting someone new. If you haven't healed from your last wound, you'll end up bleeding all over someone else. (There's a quote that delivers this metaphor way better than I just did but you get the message.) In other words, you end up taking your old baggage you haven't dealt with into a new situation and you're very likely to hurt someone else when all you were trying to do was make yourself feel better. It's selfish if you do this knowingly.
The most important thing to take away from this if you find yourself demonstrating this pattern, (and it's a pattern I see a lot of people making!) is to ask yourself why you feel the need to jump into something else so quickly. Often it's because you seek validation. Now, if this is rubbing you up the wrong way, it's likely that this applies to you! This means that you hold other's views of you at a higher value than the way you view yourself or that you need proof of another's desire for you in order for you to feel worthy. This happens a lot because so many people don't view themselves very highly.
The problem with this is that you can find yourself investing time with people who treat you badly, that take advantage of you, that are toxic or that just aren't right for you. You end up investing your energy into lost causes (situations not people) and time is so precious! This time and energy could be spent on YOU, which is a much more worthwhile use. When you realise you're the fucking shit and you deserve the best, that's what you get! And this isn't about the way you look or how much money you have in the bank. It's about the kind of person you are, the way you treat others, the love you have to offer.
As cliche as it sounds, I really do believe that everything happens for a reason. If people walk out of my life, I genuinely believe it's because they were supposed to and I know that with every curve-ball that gets thrown my way, there's a lesson and there's a chance for me to grow as a person. If you look at life this way, it's really hard to get vexed about the bad stuff. This is NOT to say that I don't cry or have a wobble because c'mon- I'm human! But just have trust in your journey, you will get over it, you will be okay and there are many many fish in the sea. Fish that don't have commitment issues, Fish that see your worth, Fish that will make you very happy. And do you know what else? Being in a loving relationship is amazing but it isn't the be all and end all! So don't let love be your sole focus. Let YOU be your sole focus and everything else will sort itself out.
Have a beautiful week! Until next time,
LUNA EDEN x
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