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Hey guys! Today we are going to be talking about living with someone who portrays passive aggressive behaviour and how to deal with the situation. I decided to check out some articles online written by others and I noticed that they are heavily weighted towards work scenarios rather than living arrangements so this could be quite helpful to some of you out there! I also noticed that when pointing out the tell-tale 'signs' that you're dealing with a passive aggressive person, they missed out one of the most common signs that I have come across! Hence, why I decided to write about this today.
I have had quite a few different living arrangements over the past five or six years and so I have come across my fair share of passive aggressive people and unfortunately for me, they have happened to sleep under the same roof as me. This has enabled me to gain a little 'knowledge' (I guess you could call it?) about how best to deal with them. I'm going to try my best to keep this post unbiased because I'll just say it quickly now- Passive aggressive people drive me UP THE WALL. And that's me putting it kindly. Okay, it's out there, I've said it. Let's get on with the post...
WHAT IS PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOUR?
In a nutshell, it's displaying negative feelings towards someone through indirect words or actions. A person would typically do this because they don't know how to express their feelings or issues in a straightforward manner. This behaviour is pretty toxic because problems that could be solved quickly end up floating around in the air like a bad smell. They tend to soak in whatever negative mood they're in which affects everyone around them and as we know- energy is contagious.
WHAT ARE THE SIGNS?
Tell tale signs from a passive aggressive person would be;
- Silent treatment
- Using sarcasm to cause unnecessary tension
- Stubbornness
- Deflecting blame
- Purposely defying or delaying a request (usually just enough for it to be overlooked)
- Excessive exhaling or muttering under breath
- Making excessive noise whilst carrying out tasks (door slamming, drawer slamming, cupboard slamming)
- Sulking
- Subtle insults
These are all defence mechanisms that help them to express whatever negative emotions they're feeling. The 'excessive noise' has been one of the most commonly used in my personal experience. My mum used to have this attitude of 'If I'm awake then everyone else will be too!' and she would proceed to slam cupboard doors, fridge doors, cups, bowls- whatever she could get her hands on. My immediate reaction would be to walk into the same room and start slamming things of my own and when she looked at me as if to say 'what the fuck do you think you're doing?' I would say something along the lines of 'What? I thought you were starting up a stomp band...' Even though I found that quite funny, I learned the hard way that there are better ways to go about things.
COMMUNICATION
This is either going to seem really obvious or really contradictory BUT as we already know, the person you're dealing with has problems with communicating their feelings, which is why they resort to the 'signs' above as an alternative outlet. This leaves any hope of sorting things out verbally in the hands of yours truly!
This really depends on what your relationship is like with the person. If it's a parent or a sibling, it can be pretty easy to talk to them BUT it's important to avoid making them feel attacked. Sitting down and pointing out all the annoying things they do might not be such a good idea! Instead, ask them if there's something bothering them and if they use the word 'fine', don't take that as a final answer! A good way to skip around the 'F' word is to say something along the lines of 'I know you and I know you're not fine. Tell me what's up and we can sort it out instead of dragging it out.' Bringing humour into the conversation can be a great help too.
WHAT IF I DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE BRINGING IT UP?
Sometimes all the other person needs is for the communication to be opened up by someone else and sometimes, even that can't help them (this is where the stubbornness comes into play.) If thats the case here or you don't feel comfortable opening up the space for communication, then the rest of these pointers will help. Although I will warn you, they are more about not putting fuel on the fire, rather than putting the fire out because without communication from the other person, you're last resort is to find ways to cope.
DISTANCE YOURSELF
Trying to distance yourself from someone you live with can be pretty tough! Hibernating in your room for too long is unhealthy so try to get out of the house when you can. Go for a walk, meet up with some friends. I enjoy my own space so I'll happily stay cooped up in my room writing a blog post or doing some art. Distancing yourself is a pain if you're forcing yourself to go out when you don't really want to BUT passive aggressive people tend to do the things they do knowing full well that there's someone to witness it. Hence why, if you're not in the same room, they'll make sure you can hear them throwing things around. Yano, just to let you know that they're still sulking about something. So, if you take yourself out of the equation (and physically out of the house), they will no longer have someone to pass their negative vibes onto!
WATCH SOMETHING THAT MAKES YOU LAUGH
Being around passive aggressive people can be SO draining and it can affect you even when you're fighting it. Watching something light that makes you laugh can easily take away any tension left in your body and distract you from the problem. Sound is also a great way to block out any passive aggressive slamming! Headphones have become my new best friend.
DON'T PLAY TIT FOR TAT
It's easy to get so caught up in your frustrations that you want to retaliate but you are just lowering yourself down to their level by doing this. It also gives them a reaction which is exactly what they are looking for and it fuels them to carry on behaving the way they are. It can also cause way more animosity than there was before and no one wants that in a living arrangement. The best thing you can do is rise above it. I know- I hate that line too.
MEDITATE
Meditation is the PERFECT way to rise above a toxic person's energy. And also- the more excuses you have to meditate the better, right? Pop your headphones on/in and listen to one of many FREE guided meditations (non-guided is fine too) and float your way above their low energy and up to cloud nine, baby! The breathing techniques often used alongside meditation can really calm down any irritation you're feeling and by focusing you energy on just being here in the moment, you take away any energy you're giving to the situation. What you give energy to, you give power to.
And I think that just about sums up my top pieces of advice on how to cope when living with someone who demonstrates passive aggressive behaviour. You have my sincere sympathy because I know how crazy it can make you feel at times! Just know- living situations can feel like a forever thing but they're not.
I hope you all have a wonderful week! Until next time,
LUNA EDEN x
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