Hello, my gorgeous readers! Today is a very personal one. *gasps* I have written about spirituality before but very rarely about my personal journey. I'm usually quite hesitant to talk about it because I know that there are people who won't understand. I'm naturally a person who cares a lot about what other people think (I'm working on that) and so I'm extra careful to share these parts of my life for that reason! But, saying that, it's been years since I started on this journey and I'm starting to care less what others think and as time goes on, I realise that helping others is more important. That is of course, the reason why we embark on this journey... to make positive change! I will assume if you are going to read on, that you will be respectful of my experiences and if you're not quite ready to hear about spirituality- that's okay! This post probably isn't for you. 😊
First, the hard bit...
It's relatively common knowledge that people go through a very hard time before choosing the path of spirituality and some even have what's called a sudden awakening. Which is basically the sudden awareness that there is more to our world than what meets the eye, that there are energies at play, that we have purpose. My 'hard time' was six years ago. I had just finished college, (which I didn't enjoy much) my best friend and boyfriend at the time had moved away for University, I had just gotten my first 'proper' job as a cashier at the Co-Op, (If you're not from England, its the equivalent to a small grocery store.) and I was about three years into my acne 'cycle' by that point (causing me pretty low self confidence.) My experience with acne is a story for another time but just so that you can get a quick understanding of how this effected me; I would sleep with make up on so that my boyfriend didn't see my skin, I would miss days at college and school, it held me back from making friends and I would have anxiety induced attacks before going to work.
My mum and dad had divorced two years beforehand which didn't effect me so much at that time apart from the fact that I didn't have the best relationship with my mum, so my dad leaving meant that my relationship with my mum and life at home got harder. My best friend and boyfriend were my distractions from home life and so, when they moved away, I felt pretty lonely.
I finished college with a good grade that I was proud of but University sounded like far too much money considering I didn't enjoy college all that much. My job was my excuse to get out of the house but as time went on, problems started to arise there too and I started to wonder 'Is this my life forever? What now?' My boss was a middle aged man who seemed to have a superiority complex. He would arrange progression meetings for me and him to discuss my future with the company and my permanent contract was dependent on his satisfaction with my performance. He would ask me how I was getting on and I would reply that I was enjoying my time there and thought I was doing well. What he said next took me by surprise... 'I've spoken with your colleagues to find out what they think about you and, well... They find you to be rude, unfriendly and unapproachable.' I didn't know how to respond. I was confused mostly because I felt that I was getting on well with the other members of staff. In fact, a couple of them, I still talk to today!
These kind of meetings carried on and I started to enjoy work less and less. When my boyfriend broke up with me over the phone, I got my mum to call in sick for me the next day because I didn't want to talk to anyone, least of all my boss. I took the break up really badly, I didn't eat for days and it took me a long time to heal emotionally. This resulted in a 'warning meeting' because we weren't allowed to have people call in sick on our behalves. My boss asked me to come in on one of my days off to have this meeting and I cried as I told him I wasn't sick, as my mum had said- that instead, something personal had happened. He remained unmoved and persisted in knowing what this person issue was. I knew he had no right to ask and I knew he wouldn't take my break up as a reasonable excuse to miss work so I kept it quiet. He exhaled and thought in silence for what seemed like a lifetime "Go and hop on the tills until I decide what to do with you" I explained that I didn't have my uniform because it was my day off and he told me to get some from lost property. I left the room feeling upset and angry and I decided to walk straight out of that shop and I never went back. My boss left me a voicemail (which I still haven't listened to, to this day!) and I never heard from him again.
The beginning...
I was then newly single and newly unemployed. I was heartbroken, lonely, lost and my low self confidence dropped an all time low as a result of this. I spent hours confused as to what I did to make my boss dislike me so much and what I could have done to save my relationship. I had a lot of free time at this point so after a few weeks of sleeping a lot and not wanting to do anything, I found myself reading posts online and watching youtube videos on depression. I wanted to desperately get out of the slump I was in. Eventually, I started to learn about the 'power of thought'.
As much as the concept of being in control of your own thoughts sounds pretty obvious or overused now, at the time, this was a totally new idea to me. I started to realise that my thoughts about myself and the world were extremely negative, that I was living in a unstimulated environment and that my parents often voiced negative and limiting beliefs too. It was then that I realised I needed to move out if I was going to successfully reprogram my mindset.
I would go to sleep telling myself positive affirmations, I would speak to myself in the mirror and point out things I liked about the way I looked and my personality. I made a conscious effort to notice when I was criticising myself and replaced it with an uplifting thought. The quote; 'Speak to yourself as you would speak to a close friend.' has stuck with me until this day!
I then came across the Law of Attraction, which is the concept that everything is made of energy/ vibrations and that you can attract things, situations and people into your life by matching that level of energy/vibration. I learned about Visualisation and Vision boards, which is where you visually focus on what you wish to bring into your life. These both go hand in hand with positive thought. Of course, I was sceptical about these concepts to begin with and that's totally normal. The way we have been brought up and the society that we live in has conditioned us to find these concepts hard to believe and naturally, we feel the need to see it happen before we can believe it.
When I started to see the results...
I read The Secret, made my first vision board and found the confidence to start applying for jobs. I got myself a job at Primark where I initially worked on the tills and on the floor until I was moved to Customer Service where I was pretty happy to work and met some great people. After a couple of months, I decided to apply for University because as content as I was at work, I couldn't see my life going in the direction I wanted it to. It also gave me a reason to move out of home which I really wanted! I got offers from all four of the Universities I attended interviews for and I accepted an offer in a beach town, three hours from home. I then proceeded to have the best year of my life. Even my relationship with my mum improved because we were given the space we needed.
I think it's important to state that this progression was gradual and I'm still progressing today. I don't claim to have amazing self esteem, zero self limiting beliefs or nonexistent negative thoughts. But the awareness of my old unhealthy ways and the effort to reprogram them, brought in results. I started to feel happier, more motivated and more positive and as one thing worked out in life, it gave me even more motivation and hope for the next thing. Getting a job became a slow rise in confidence. Meeting people at work became laughter and joy. Working on my art portfolio became offers from universities. Interviews at Universities lead to one of the happiest times of my life.
My message to you...
If you're new to this and you want to see this change for yourself, my advice would be to start by watching 'The Secret' on Netflix and by watching Leeor Alexandra's Law of Attraction Youtube videos. Learn about Visualisation and create your first Vision Board. Start a gratitude journal or even start your morning shower with reminding yourself of all the things you're grateful for. Write out positive affirmations and repeat them to yourself as you go to sleep."The flapping of a butterflies wings can cause a hurricane on the other side of the world"- Chaos Theory
In other words, small changes can lead to big changes! Try not to get overwhelmed with the amount of information available and just start somewhere. Starting 'somewhere' was the best thing I ever did for myself. I just kept reading and learning and I can honestly say it changed my life. I don't know who I would have become if I hadn't started.
I hope you enjoyed this post as much as I enjoyed writing it!
With all my love, I hope you have an incredible week.
Until next time,
LUNA EDEN X
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