Living With a Passive Aggressive Person | How to Stay Sane

DISCLAIMER: IMAGE NOT OWNED BY ME

Hey guys! Today we are going to be talking about living with someone who portrays passive aggressive behaviour and how to deal with the situation. I decided to check out some articles online written by others and I noticed that they are heavily weighted towards work scenarios rather than living arrangements so this could be quite helpful to some of you out there! I also noticed that when pointing out the tell-tale 'signs' that you're dealing with a passive aggressive person, they missed out one of the most common signs that I have come across! Hence, why I decided to write about this today.

I have had quite a few different living arrangements over the past five or six years and so I have come across my fair share of passive aggressive people and unfortunately for me, they have happened to sleep under the same roof as me. This has enabled me to gain a little 'knowledge' (I guess you could call it?) about how best to deal with them. I'm going to try my best to keep this post unbiased because I'll just say it quickly now- Passive aggressive people drive me UP THE WALL. And that's me putting it kindly. Okay, it's out there, I've said it. Let's get on with the post...


WHAT IS PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOUR? 

In a nutshell, it's displaying negative feelings towards someone through indirect words or actions. A person would typically do this because they don't know how to express their feelings or issues in a straightforward manner. This behaviour is pretty toxic because problems that could be solved quickly end up floating around in the air like a bad smell. They tend to soak in whatever negative mood they're in which affects everyone around them and as we know- energy is contagious.

WHAT ARE THE SIGNS?

Tell tale signs from a passive aggressive person would be;

- Silent treatment
- Using sarcasm to cause unnecessary tension
- Stubbornness  
- Deflecting blame
- Purposely defying or delaying a request (usually just enough for it to be overlooked)
- Excessive exhaling or muttering under breath
- Making excessive noise whilst carrying out tasks (door slamming, drawer slamming, cupboard slamming)
- Sulking
- Subtle insults 

These are all defence mechanisms that help them to express whatever negative emotions they're feeling. The 'excessive noise' has been one of the most commonly used in my personal experience. My mum used to have this attitude of 'If I'm awake then everyone else will be too!' and she would proceed to slam cupboard doors, fridge doors, cups, bowls- whatever she could get her hands on. My immediate reaction would be to walk into the same room and start slamming things of my own and when she looked at me as if to say 'what the fuck do you think you're doing?' I would say something along the lines of 'What? I thought you were starting up a stomp band...' Even though I found that quite funny, I learned the hard way that there are better ways to go about things. 

COMMUNICATION 

This is either going to seem really obvious or really contradictory BUT as we already know, the person you're dealing with has problems with communicating their feelings, which is why they resort to the 'signs' above as an alternative outlet. This leaves any hope of sorting things out verbally in the hands of yours truly! 

This really depends on what your relationship is like with the person. If it's a parent or a sibling, it can be pretty easy to talk to them BUT it's important to avoid making them feel attacked. Sitting down and pointing out all the annoying things they do might not be such a good idea! Instead, ask them if there's something bothering them and if they use the word 'fine', don't take that as a final answer! A good way to skip around the 'F' word is to say something along the lines of 'I know you and I know you're not fine. Tell me what's up and we can sort it out instead of dragging it out.' Bringing humour into the conversation can be a great help too.

WHAT IF I DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE BRINGING IT UP?

Sometimes all the other person needs is for the communication to be opened up by someone else and sometimes, even that can't help them (this is where the stubbornness comes into play.) If thats the case here or you don't feel comfortable opening up the space for communication, then the rest of these pointers will help. Although I will warn you, they are more about not putting fuel on the fire, rather than putting the fire out because without communication from the other person, you're last resort is to find ways to cope.

DISTANCE YOURSELF

Trying to distance yourself from someone you live with can be pretty tough! Hibernating in your room for too long is unhealthy so try to get out of the house when you can. Go for a walk, meet up with some friends. I enjoy my own space so I'll happily stay cooped up in my room writing a blog post or doing some art. Distancing yourself is a pain if you're forcing yourself to go out when you don't really want to BUT passive aggressive people tend to do the things they do knowing full well that there's someone to witness it. Hence why, if you're not in the same room, they'll make sure you can hear them throwing things around. Yano, just to let you know that they're still sulking about something. So, if you take yourself out of the equation (and physically out of the house), they will no longer have someone to pass their negative vibes onto!

WATCH SOMETHING THAT MAKES YOU LAUGH

Being around passive aggressive people can be SO draining and it can affect you even when you're fighting it. Watching something light that makes you laugh can easily take away any tension left in your body and distract you from the problem. Sound is also a great way to block out any passive aggressive slamming! Headphones have become my new best friend.

DON'T PLAY TIT FOR TAT

It's easy to get so caught up in your frustrations that you want to retaliate but you are just lowering yourself down to their level by doing this. It also gives them a reaction which is exactly what they are looking for and it fuels them to carry on behaving the way they are. It can also cause way more animosity than there was before and no one wants that in a living arrangement. The best thing you can do is rise above it. I know- I hate that line too.

MEDITATE

Meditation is the PERFECT way to rise above a toxic person's energy. And also- the more excuses you have to meditate the better, right? Pop your headphones on/in and listen to one of many FREE guided meditations (non-guided is fine too) and float your way above their low energy and up to cloud nine, baby! The breathing techniques often used alongside meditation can really calm down any irritation you're feeling and by focusing you energy on just being here in the moment, you take away any energy you're giving to the situation. What you give energy to, you give power to. 

And I think that just about sums up my top pieces of advice on how to cope when living with someone who demonstrates passive aggressive behaviour. You have my sincere sympathy because I know how crazy it can make you feel at times! Just know- living situations can feel like a forever thing but they're not. 

I hope you all have a wonderful week! Until next time,

LUNA EDEN x

How to Deal With a Break-Up Gracefully

DISCLAIMER: IMAGE NOT OWNED BY ME

Hey guys! Life doesn't always go the way you anticipate and the way you react and handle life's curve-balls says a lot about you! This blog is all about growing and how to become the best version of ourselves so today I want to talk about how to

handle being newly single in a way that's mature and healthy. Being broken up with is one of the hardest rejections you will ever receive so if you can find it in yourself to heal whilst being graceful about it? Well, I'd say theres not much else you can't do! So without further waffling, here are my top tips!

ALLOW YOURSELF A RECOVERY PERIOD

Right, let's start off by saying that being broken up with is fucking HARD SHIT. It's all good and well me giving you advice on how to deal with it but please just give yourself some time to cry as much as you want, eat whatever you want, sleep for as long as you want. I'd say give yourself a week, two tops to just let yourself process what's happened as most times, it comes out of the blue and it can feel like your whole world has been turned upside down. Your emotions are likely to be all over the place so whatever you feel, don't suppress it. If you do, it'll only come back to bite you on the bum later on and it really isn't worth the short term gain of pretending everything is okay. It's a really good idea to NOT do anything out of the ordinary in your recovery period. Read on to find out why...

DON'T GO ON A FUCKING MAD ONE

This part of your life can be really strange and because we haven't had enough time to process the information, our minds like to look for ways to handle this emotion but these things are often distractions from the pain, rather than solutions. These may look like; going on wild nights out, sleeping with lots of people, physically transforming yourself, heavy use of drugs and/or alcohol and serial dating. Theres nothing wrong with wanting a distraction, as long as you're aware that's what it is but these distractions can develop into unhealthy habits that prevent you from really dealing with the problem and therefore prolonging the process of getting over it.

GET THE ANSWERS TO YOUR QUESTIONS

It may hurt to hear but I think it's always good to get an idea of what's going on in the other person’s head before you part ways. They should respect you enough to give you a reasoning behind not wanting to be with you anymore. Closure may not happen as soon as you want it to but if you don't know where it's coming from, it could end up haunting you for years to come and by that point it's awkward to ask your ex why they left you. Opening the opportunity to talk could give you the chance to say how you're feeling too which is important because the things you didn't say could also end up haunting you.

BE CAREFUL OF SAYING THINGS YOU CAN'T TAKE BACK

While it's good to get answers and possible closure sooner rather than later, it's very easy for words to come from a place of anger at a time like this and sometimes we want to hurt the other person because they've hurt us but as much as that may seem like a natural reaction, it isn't a mature or kind one. An eye for an eye leaves the world blind, remember? Sometimes the best thing do is to ask any immediate questions you might need for closure and hold back on saying anything that could come from a bad place.

DON'T TRASH TALK THEM

So, the previous point was about what not to say to them. This point is about what not to say about them. Trash talking your ex is a bad move because firstly, it's not mature. Secondly, I am a big believer in keeping respect for each other after parting ways (unless they have done something very disrespectful) because this person was likely to be a big part of your life, maybe even your best friend. It would be a real shame to taint all of that because things didn't work out. Thirdly, resentment and hate uses up FAR more energy than we know. You are wasting your energy if you are trash talking your ex. Grow up!

CHECK THAT WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING IS FOR YOU AND NOT FOR THEM

As a girl, it's a really common to want to totally re-create ourselves! We wanna go and get our hair coloured, we wanna hit the gym, we wanna go out out in a new outfit and it's an energy of 'Look what you gave up' right? And I feeeeel you. You play 'No Scrubs' by TLC as you take fifty selfies to show him how much better off you are without him. But let me tell you that firstly, it's really transparent to him and to everyone else. I can always tell when someone's gone through a bad breakup on social media because they suddenly pop up after years of hardly posting, to uploading pictures of themselves from every angle and videos of them dancing in a club.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't do these things- each to their own but just ask yourself who you're really doing it all for because now that you're single, you should be doing you. If you wanna go to the gym and get buff DO IT. If you want to go brunette DO IT. If you want a new tattoo DO IT. Just please don't go and dye your hair blonde because you know he likes blondes. Don't go to the gym and do 50,000 squats because you know he's a butt guy. And don't go and get a tattoo because he was always liking photos of girls with tattoos.

It's actually pretty empowering to do the opposite of what they 'liked' about you! I was told by an ex that he wouldn't find me attractive with short hair. After breaking up I got my hair cut from below my ribs to above my shoulders and I've never looked back! I got told by an ex that I don't suit leopard print but I love leopard print and if I wanna wear it, I bloody well will! But just remember to check in with yourself- Am I doing this for me?

ARE YOU A SAVAGE OR JUST A SAD BITCH?

This has to be my favourite point of all because of the play on words from Ariana Grande's song '7 Rings.' I use the word 'savage' sarcastically because it makes me cringe a little bit but what I mean by this is, it's a very common reaction for girls to switch up their entire personality after a bad break up. I've done it myself to a certain degree- I was determined to be a STONE COLD BITCH after my first bad break up. It made me feel powerful, in control of my feelings and like I didn't need anyone but it took me a long time to realise that it's another cover-up. It's just a mask that we put on to feel protected from people that might hurt us again but getting hurt is a part of life- real talk.

It's okay to not want to even look at another guy/girl after going through a break up but don't shut your heart down. You will love again and it will be amazing. Yeah you might get hurt again too but you'd be surprised at just how strong you are and how much you can battle through. When you find the right person, the person you were always supposed to find your way to, you will realise why all of the previous hurt had to happen! I like to see every thing that doesn't work out as one more step towards what's meant for me, one more lesson to learn and one step closer to being the strongest version of myself.

DON'T MOVE ON UNTIL YOU'VE HAD TIME TO HEAL

Whether it's dating, sex, or a relationship- I strongly advise you not to jump into anything until you're really truly ready. It's a common misconception that getting involved with someone else will help you get over an ex. You're actually just distracting yourself from the pain in a seriously unhealthy way, especially if it's with the intention of meeting someone new. If you haven't healed from your last wound, you'll end up bleeding all over someone else. (There's a quote that delivers this metaphor way better than I just did but you get the message.) In other words, you end up taking your old baggage you haven't dealt with into a new situation and you're very likely to hurt someone else when all you were trying to do was make yourself feel better. It's selfish if you do this knowingly.

The most important thing to take away from this if you find yourself demonstrating this pattern, (and it's a pattern I see a lot of people making!) is to ask yourself why you feel the need to jump into something else so quickly. Often it's because you seek validation. Now, if this is rubbing you up the wrong way, it's likely that this applies to you! This means that you hold other's views of you at a higher value than the way you view yourself or that you need proof of another's desire for you in order for you to feel worthy. This happens a lot because so many people don't view themselves very highly.

The problem with this is that you can find yourself investing time with people who treat you badly, that take advantage of you, that are toxic or that just aren't right for you. You end up investing your energy into lost causes (situations not people) and time is so precious! This time and energy could be spent on YOU, which is a much more worthwhile use. When you realise you're the fucking shit and you deserve the best, that's what you get! And this isn't about the way you look or how much money you have in the bank. It's about the kind of person you are, the way you treat others, the love you have to offer.

As cliche as it sounds, I really do believe that everything happens for a reason. If people walk out of my life, I genuinely believe it's because they were supposed to and I know that with every curve-ball that gets thrown my way, there's a lesson and there's a chance for me to grow as a person. If you look at life this way, it's really hard to get vexed about the bad stuff. This is NOT to say that I don't cry or have a wobble because c'mon- I'm human! But just have trust in your journey, you will get over it, you will be okay and there are many many fish in the sea. Fish that don't have commitment issues, Fish that see your worth, Fish that will make you very happy. And do you know what else? Being in a loving relationship is amazing but it isn't the be all and end all! So don't let love be your sole focus. Let YOU be your sole focus and everything else will sort itself out.

Have a beautiful week! Until next time,

LUNA EDEN x

How to Settle an Overactive Mind

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Enter X-Factor Intro Voice: "Do you find yourself constantly overwhelmed with thoughts? Do you struggle to turn your brain off? Do you find it hard to sleep when your brain is wide awake? Do you worry persistently about things in and out of your control? Well, you have come to the right place." (I really wanted to add a 'my friend' on the end of that sentence but I thought it was a tad too much?)

I struggle ALOT with my overactive mind. I think that a big part of it comes with my anxiety so that actually fuels the fire but you don't have to have anxiety to suffer from a never ending loop of thoughts and worries. You might find yourself jumping from 'What shall I have for dinner tonight?' to 'Oh shit, I forgot to message Lily back, I should probably do that now..' to 'Huh, I wonder what my dream meant last night...' It's exhausting right? It stops you from being able to concentrate on something to your full potential, it can give you a headache and it can make you unable to relax or stop you from sleeping. 

Here are some things that have really worked for me (tried and tested!) Some of these tips may seem obvious, generic or maybe a bit woo-woo BUT don't knock it until you've tried it. 


BREATHING EXERCISES 


We are starting with this one because it will help you to calm down and slow down your mind and get you to a place where you'll be able to carry on with the other steps more effectively. Buddhists have always believed that breathing practises can strengthen your ability to focus and there is scientific research all over the shop that concludes it has beneficial results. I know that this works because I do it myself. It is especially helpful if you suffer from anxiety or find yourself getting into a bit of a state with your overthinking. 

The most simple breathing exercise which I use often is to sit up straight, breathe through your nose slowly until you can't inhale any more, take one more sharp inhale of air through your nose (you should feel your lungs expand to what feels like their limit.) Now hold that breath for as long as you can and then slowly exhale through your mouth with your lips close together to help control the release of air. Now repeat.

I don't really use any other breath exercise as this one works so well for me! But Leeor Alexander has a great video explaining and demonstrating helpful techniques including the one I just described. You can watch that video here.

WRITE STUFF DOWN

I don't care if you can't remember the last time you wrote something down on paper. I don't care if you suck at spelling. NO ONES GONNA SEE THIS BUT YOU and this shit works so just go grab a pen and something to write on (back of an envelope/ letter will do.) There are three things that you can write down that will help you to slow down that busy brain of yours. They are; 'Brain Dump', 'Problem vs Solution' and the renowned 'To-do List'. Do them in this order!

BRAIN DUMP

A brain dump is dumping anything that enters your head onto paper. There is no right or wrong thing to write down, just put down ANYTHING that comes into your head, and I mean anything. Even if it's 'I don't know what to write. Ummmmm'. You might find that your mind takes a pause and suddenly you can't think of anything but just make a start and it'll all come rolling out in no time. Here's an example of my on-the-spot improvised brain dump:

Theres a guy walking up the stairs. now he's walking down. I wonder if people look over my shoulder at what i'm writing. I need to drink my water. Strawberry. Goals. To-do list. Finish blog post. going well. I like this goal book. swinging. coffee.

Notice how it doesn't make a lot of sense, It's grammatically incorrect and very jumpy? This is pretty much how our brain speaks to us! When we write it down as it comes to our heads, it helps us to analyse what's really popping into our minds rather than just letting it swirl into a big blurry tornado that can't be slowed down. You don't need to worry about spelling things correctly, about your handwriting or anything else because this piece of paper can be chucked after this. It won't serve much use or the future unless you want to track your progress over time with brain dumping. 

Your brain tornadoes are typically 60% absolute useless crap, 30% worries and 10% things you need to remember. (That calculation was totally made up.) Doing a brain dump can make you feel more clear-headed. It's almost as though, by witnessing our single thoughts, we can let the useless thoughts go and focus on the more important ones. 

PROBLEM VS SOLUTION

This one is especially good for people that suffer with anxiety and I love to do this one when I'm really getting myself into a state by worrying over potential situations. (If you have anxiety, you'll know that most of these worries are totally exaggerated, worse-case scenarios that you made up.) If you don't have anxiety but you find yourself worrying about what you tutor is going to say when you have to tell them you haven't started your dissertation, or you're stressing out over the fact you got really drunk last night and you can't remember what you said to Laura's boyfriend. 

So, the idea of 'problem vs solution' is to write down a problem that comes to mind that you can't stop thinking about and then under neath it, you write a supportive, positive but realistic response as if you are helping your friend with their problem. Here's an example:

Problem

 I haven't started my dissertation yet and my tutor wants to see 500 words and a plan tomorrow. 

Solution

Okay, first of all, you're not the first person to tell a tutor they haven't done the work and writing is scary sometimes! So, there's no point in beating yourself up over the fact you've done nothing so far, there's nothing we can do to change that now so let's let that go. Let's focus on what we can do, now. We still have 'x' amount of hours left, we can do this. All we can do is try our best in the time that we've got and worse case scenario? Tutor gives us a bollocking tomorrow and it gives us the kick up the arse that we need.

Carry on writing out problems and solutions until your mind is emptied. Writing out the solution as if talking to a friend might make you feel a little crazy but it helps! Sometimes we're so caught up in a vicious cycle of thoughts that we can't stop and take a minute to calm down and realise it's not that bad. The best formula for a solution is comforting pep talk | note we can't change what we can't control | list things that we can do now that is in our control | note the worst case REALISTIC scenario | tell yourself it's going to be okay.

It's important to be kind to yourself, reassure yourself that it isn't the end of the world and to have a plan of action that you can start on now. Even if it's the small. One action is one step in the right direction to solving a problem and if there aren't any steps you can take now? Comfort and reassurance is key. Everything will be okay. 

To-Do List

The 'brain dump' helps to reduce the useless stuff, the 'problem vs solution' helps to reduce the worries and the to-do list helps us to review and tackle any errands or things you know you need to do. Writing them down on paper stops them from swirling round and round in your head and checking off your list can make you feel like you've achieved something so it's a very helpful tool for an overactive mind! 

This one is pretty self explanatory. Just write down a list of things you need to get done and little boxes next to each one is optional but recommended! It's a visual way for you to see what you've done and what still needs to be tackled.

MEDITATION

For those of you unfamiliar with meditation, this might seem a little woo-woo to you. It took me so long to actually give it a proper go because I kept disregarding it and didn't think it could help me. It wasn't until I was hearing about it wherever I turned, that I trusted my instinct and gave it a real go. Meditation can help you ease your overactive mind by training it to stay quiet but it can take a while before you start to see effects. 

I meditated almost every day for 5-20 minutes over the first six weeks of the new year and I'm not going to spin you a story about how it changed my life and that I'm practically a monk now.. but I was surprised at how good it made me feel. It made me feel calm and connected to a part of myself that I don't feel often. It's as if answers to problems came easier and I saw the world around me in a different a light, a brighter one. 

It really helped me and still does help me with my overactive mind. There is a lot to learn when it comes to meditation which is strange when you think about how simple it should be but naturally, we overcomplicate it! Here are my top bits of advice for meditation;

• Start off with 2-5 mins
• Sit however feels most comfortable but preferably with a straight back and palms facing upward
• Don't get frustrated with yourself when a thought distracts you
• Listen to a guided mediation if you struggle to concentrate
• Close your eyes, it helps you to focus
• Practice your breathing techniques during
• It is easier to focus first thing in the morning as opposed to the end of the day

Guided meditations are great to do before bed too as they can give your mind something else to focus on in order to fall asleep. Here are some of my favourites to fall asleep to;

• Sleep meditation for Overactive Mind
• Guided visualisation | Manifesting
• Beginners Chakra Alignment
• Inner Wisdom Cave of Peace

GO FOR A WALK

When you've got a brain tornado occurring inside your head and you feel like you've got 100,000 things to worry about, going for a walk might sound like the last thing you want to do. 'I don't have time for that!' You might say.. Okay, so you have time to roll around at the end of your bed scrolling through Facebook and laughing at funny videos but you don't have time to get out of the house for ten mins? I SMELL BULLSHIT. And you know it.

Going for a walk can be so calming and literally a breath of fresh air. I really like to walk by myself around nature because nature reminds me that nothing really matters as much as I think it does. You'll still be here at the end of it. Nature doesn't ask to exist, it doesn't worry what others think of it, rain or sun- it takes whatever comes it's way and does the best it can. Fresh air can also do great things for you mood, making it easier to tackle those circling thoughts.

READ A BOOK 

If reading really isn't for you, that's okay because there are plenty of other steps (above) that you can do but for those of you that find yourself saying 'I used to really enjoy reading, I should really start again...' -this could really help you with your overactive mind! Reading can take you into another world, away from all your problems that exist in this world. I really like to read crime/ thrillers because they keep me wanting to read more and really grab my attention! 

Again, I don't want to hear that you don't have time. Half an hour before you go to bed can be spent by anyone and it helps your mind to wind down before sleep!


Okay guys, these are my top tips that I use myself in order to settle an overactive mind! I hope you enjoyed reading and I will see you back here shortly. Have a good week!

LUNA EDEN x