Looking For Love Out of Loneliness | Let's Talk

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Hey guys! If you're not new here, you'll know that usually my posts have some kind of 'tips' 'steps' or a 'how to' theme to them. This is because I want you guys to be able to get something out of what I write, to give you guys 'actionable' steps to making improvements in your lives and in yourselves. I'm going to do some 'Let's Talk' labelled posts which are less about giving you step by steps or advice, and more about things that I think are important to talk about. These will most likely be topics based around the world that we live in today, to maybe open your eyes up to things you might not have thought about before or maybe you've already been pondering and you want read/hear more- these kinds of posts could be the start of important discussions (with ourselves or with others!) Today's topic is going to be about looking for love, for the wrong reasons. There are many wrong reasons why people actively search for love these days but I think that one of the most common is out of loneliness. A lot of people don't even realise that this is what they're doing. They just consciously or subconsciously recognise this sadness within them, maybe they feel that something is missing in their life and they think that finding a 'significant other' is the answer, the cure to this sadness. The missing puzzle piece, as cliche as that sounds.

My theory is, if you have 10 people who are all looking for a relationship or love, you pair them all off and leave them to it- 3 out of 5 of those couples are likely to find things in common or things that they like about each other and if you leave them long enough, they might even develop feelings for one another. A good example of this is Love Island- a tv program where a dozen or so typically ‘good looking’ men and women stay in a holiday home together. The aim of the show is to invite people looking for love, to take part in a (quite savage) game whereby they are forced to couple up and throughout the show, they are able to jump from one partner to the next at given time points, if they wish to. From the couple of shows they have produced there have been countless relationships that have lasted a couple of years after leaving the holiday home, some have had children and some have gotten engaged or married! 

Okay, so a large factor in this might be that they are mostly extremely attractive and you might be thinking ‘how hard can it be for someone who looks like a Greek god to find love.’ And although ‘typically good looking’ are perceived to have a better chance of finding someone, I think you’ll find that if you put a group of ‘typically not so good looking’ people in a room, the same would happen! In the same way that, when you’re really hungry, you will eat whatever’s been left in the fridge because it’s either that or starve. In the same way that when a psychic tells you that seeing a blue butterfly is a 'sign', that you’ll start seeing blue butterflies- if you are looking for love and you are put in a room with people also looking for love, it's likely you'll find love! (I am a believer in signs but I also believe that we are more perceptive to things when they have been brought to our attention or in this case, put right in front of you.)

If you put yourself in a position where you’re actively seeking love, you’ll probably find it. That’s why if you go on ten dates, you’ll more than likely find at least one person that you’ll click with and want to see again. There is nothing wrong with actively looking for love, just so long as you’re not doing it because you don’t want to be alone, because you want someone to show you that you’re worth something or because you want someone to make you happy. When someone actively looks for love purely to ADD to their life, for someone to SHARE their life with, they will be more picky about who they spend their time with. They may have to go on 50 dates in order to find someone who ticks all the boxes. Because when you value yourself and your life, you only want to attract people that are going to ADD to that, NOT fill a hole.

When someone actively looks for love out of loneliness, they will try to fit a rectangle peg into a square hole. Hell, they might even try to fit a star-shaped peg into a square hole. So they find themselves going on 5 dates and finding ‘the one’, ‘the love of their life’, ‘their world’ when actually they just found someone who likes game of thrones too and looks pretty good naked. Sometimes, these relationships even end up working out. Maybe there was enough common ground to make the relationship last. Maybe they really did find someone ‘perfect’ for them- it’s possible! Or maybe, love is blind and they’ve built too many memories and now it’s three years down the line and they don’t want to chuck that all away. After all, time is precious so I totally understand this logic but if we stop putting ourselves in this position, we won't be persuaded to stay with someone who's not completely suited to us because of 'history'.

This might come across as really negative and pessimistic but I promise you that I, like Terry from Brooklyn Nine Nine, LOVE love! I just think that far too many people hold being in a relationship on such a high pedestal and rely on another person for things that we should be working on ourselves first. We should be spending more time looking at why we feel the need to fill this hole, why there is something missing. If you're willing to take that time to ask yourself these questions, to figure out how YOU can help YOURSELF, and actually act on it- you will no longer be looking for love for the wrong reasons. There is no rush to be in love. There is no rush to get married.

Once you realise this, once you understand that after you've really healed yourself from any insecurities, past rejections, childhood trauma, self limiting beliefs and you've mastered how to be happy in your life without someone else- you'll realise why you kept meeting the 'wrong guy' or the 'wrong girl', you'll realise that relationships are a cherry on the top, NOT the holy grail. They are meant to enhance an already great life, not be the reason why you have a great life.

A lot of people really dislike the phrase 'love yourself first' because people think this means that you can't have real love unless you've mastered the art of self-love. People will often jump on the defence and usually with the shield that is mental illness. I guess some people believe that they will never love themselves and so they see this quote as a toxic message that they will in turn, never find love. I have anxiety myself and instead of telling myself that I will never love myself, I use it as MORE of a reason to love myself. To love myself HARDER. Of course, there are always exceptions to the rule. People can still find love when they don't fully love themselves. People can still find love out of loneliness but there is a power in choosing to be single until you've figured out how to heal yourself first.

This message isn't coming from an end point. I haven't mastered my own 'demons' but I'm working on them and I will continue to work on them until I get to a place where I can be happy in myself. I think that's really important to say here because it's really okay to be a working progress. Our whole lives will be a working progress because we'll never know it all, we'll never get the answers to all of our questions. The goal in sight might look so far away right now but try not to focus on that, just focus on now- what steps you can take now. Every small step is a step closer to the life you want and that's never time wasted.

I'm going to leave you with some questions to think about, to get the ball rolling!

Am I putting too much focus on my love life?

Why do I pick the girls/guys I go for?Why do I attract 'X' types of girls/guys?

Am I searching for validation in other people? Why?

Am I carrying past hurt into current relationships?

Am I happy being single?

What would a relationship fulfil for me that I can't fulfil myself?

What are my deepest insecurities?

Do I push people away out of fear? What fears?

Do I get into relationships quickly?

As always guys, I hope this post was helpful or at the very least, interesting to you! I hope you all have the most wonderful week, 

LUNA EDEN X